5 Tips to Supporting Your Loved One with an Eating Disorder
by Madison Sielski, AMFT
Have you noticed that a loved one close to you struggles with disordered eating behaviors? You might hear that your loved one has trouble with body image or they disclose to you that they are in treatment for an eating disorder. As therapists, we often hear family members say that they know their loved one is struggling with an eating disorder, but they don’t know the best way to support them.
Let’s dive a little deeper into how you can support your loved one with five tips:
Tip #1: Be mindful of the eating disorder voice and the healthy self voice.
In eating disorder treatment, we often talk about the “eating disorder voice” and the “healthy self voice.” As a support person, it can be helpful to remember that your loved one may be fighting an internal battle with their eating disorder voice. This voice can be manipulative, shaming, and very persuasive. The eating disorder voice might say things like “if you lose more weight you will be happier” or “if you go for a 5-mile run you can eat that piece of candy.” As the eating disorder voice gets louder and louder, the healthy self voice has a hard time getting a word in.
As a support person, it is not your role to “fix” your loved one’s eating disorder voice. The eating disorder is likely serving some sort of purpose for your loved one.
Yes, you read that right – eating disorders often serve a purpose as a coping mechanism or protective measure for something deeper underneath the surface. Trust that a specialized therapist will work with your loved one to determine what purpose the eating disorder is serving and how to strengthen the healthy self voice.
As a support person, you can absolutely help your loved one work towards this goal. If it seems like your loved one is really struggling with the internal battle of their healthy self voice and eating disorder voice, you can validate those difficult feelings while reminding your loved one that you are here to support them on their recovery journey.
As a support person, it can also be helpful to remind yourself that these two voices exist. Sometimes it can be frustrating when you find yourself having a conversation with the eating disorder voice. Take a deep breath and remember that the healthy self voice is in there, even if it’s not running the show right now.
Tip #2: Provide emotional support.
As with any other physical or mental health challenge, emotional support is so important. Reminding your loved one that you care for them and you’re here to support them can provide encouragement and motivation towards recovery. On the flip side of the coin, there are a few things to avoid saying to your loved one if they struggle with an eating disorder.
Here are just a few examples of things to avoid saying to your loved one:
Avoid commenting on appearance. Period. For example, if someone with anorexia nervosa is doing well in recovery and looks like they are stabilizing in their weight, saying “you look so much better/healthier!” or “it looks like you gained weight, that’s great!” can quickly trigger body image concerns. The eating disorder voice discussed in the previous tip may quickly latch onto those statements and translate them into something entirely different.
For example, this could trigger a response of something like: “oh my gosh I’ve gained so much weight, I must be out of control!” We want to ensure we are helping our loved one build up their healthy self voice and choose words that will not be counterintuitive to recovery.
Be mindful to choose words that do not blame or shame your loved one for their eating disorder. It is important to remember that your loved one is NOT their eating disorder.
When the eating disorder voice is strong, it can feel difficult to separate your loved one from their eating disorder. However, this may encourage the eating disorder voice.
Avoid using phrases like “she’s anorexic” and instead use phrases like “she struggles with anorexia.” This helps to externalize the disorder as something that can be recovered from rather than something that is part of your loved one’s identity.
Avoid telling your loved one to “just eat.” Without much knowledge of eating disorders, this can be a common automatic response. Okay, this might be be confusing at first but hear me out…an eating disorder is NOT about the food! The eating disorder is likely serving some sort of purpose as a coping mechanism. Therefore, telling your loved one to “just eat” does not address the real reason of why the eating disorder exists in the first place. Trust that a skilled mental health professional will work with your loved one to address the underlying cause.
Avoid saying things like “you look fine” or “you don’t look like you have an eating disorder.”
Remember the phrase “don’t judge a book by its cover?” Same thing applies here – what you see on the outside is often not an accurate representation of what is going on inside. Eating disorders can occur in many different body shapes and sizes, and comments like these can trigger body image concerns and the eating disorder voice.
Tip #3: Provide meal support.
Meal support for individuals with eating disorders can often be helpful. If your loved one is working with a treatment team, having family and friends assist with meal support may be something that they have already discussed with their team. To provide meal support, you can offer to eat a meal or snack with your loved one so they are not alone.
Important tip: be sure you’re eating WITH them!
If your loved one is eating and you’re not eating anything yourself, this can lead to feelings of discomfort and possibly flare up the eating disorder voice.
When providing meal support, you can gently provide encouragement to your loved one while remembering that it is not your role to become the food police. Also, keep in mind that it is not your job to help process the difficult emotions and thoughts that come up before, during, or after a meal or snack – it’s okay to leave that kind of processing to the team of treatment professionals.
At the end of the day, just having someone there to eat a meal or snack with can be incredibly supportive. Furthermore, it can be helpful to spend some time with your loved one after the meal or snack if they are prone to purging or other compensatory behaviors. In this time, you can focus on doing something that you both enjoy like playing a board game or watching a movie.
Tip #4: Encourage your loved one to get help, if they’re not already in treatment.
Most of this blog post has covered ways to support a loved one assuming they are already receiving treatment. Let’s take a moment to discuss how to support a loved one seek help if they are not yet in treatment.
If you suspect your loved one may be struggling with an eating disorder, express your concern to them and emphasize that you care about them. Gently encourage your loved one to see a medical professional and remind them that you are here for them.
The National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) is a great place to start for screening tools and resources if your loved one needs treatment.
Tip #5: Be sure to take care of yourself too!
Remember that you can only fill someone else’s cup when your cup is being filled. This means it is very important to take care of YOU too!
Here are a few different ways you can work on filling your own cup to be a strong support person for your loved one:
1. Engaging in hobbies that you enjoy.
2. Engaging in self-care activities.
3. Practicing mindfulness and positive affirmations.
4. Seeking out your own social support.
SoCal Wellness Group strives to support individuals and their loved ones throughout the process of eating disorder treatment. We offer therapy for both those in recovery, and the compassionate family and friends that support them. Our team based in Orange County, CA is ready to help whether you’re looking for in-person services (come see us in Tustin!) or virtual therapy.
If you’re looking for a therapist that is kind, compassionate, and understands where you’re coming from, you’re in the right place!
We are here to help clients and their loved ones take the next step towards eating disorder recovery and a better future.
